DEAR HARRIETTE: My 13-year-old daughter recently got into trouble at school, and now I'm torn about whether to let her go ahead with the birthday party we've been planning for her.
The situation at school was serious: She was caught being disrespectful to a teacher and breaking some of the school rules. When I spoke to her about it, she seemed remorseful, but I'm not entirely sure if she understands the gravity of her actions or how her behavior reflects on her character and values. Her birthday is coming up in just a few weeks, and we've already started organizing a party for her with friends and family. However, I'm struggling with whether it's appropriate to reward her with a big celebration so soon after this incident. Part of me feels like canceling or postponing the party might send a stronger message about accountability and the importance of good behavior. On the other hand, I don't want to be overly harsh. She's a teenager, and I know that kids her age are still learning and making mistakes. Canceling her party might feel like an excessive punishment and could damage our relationship. Should we allow her to keep the party on her birthday? -- Disciplinary Woes
DEAR DISCIPLINARY WOES: Rather than waiting until your daughter's birthday to punish her, do something now to ensure that she understands the gravity of her actions. Take away her cellphone for a couple of weeks as you also require her to write an essay about what it means to be accountable for her actions. Have her contemplate what happened, and craft an apology that delineates her understanding of what she did wrong and how she can avoid making such a bad decision in the future. Don't wait for the birthday, as they are unrelated. Address this situation now.
You can also simplify the party if you think that will send an additional message, but you don't have to cancel it. Instead, tend to this indiscretion now.
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DEAR HARRIETTE: I am 38 years old. I've been married for two years, and I gave birth to my first child six months ago. Although I am enjoying motherhood, giving birth was not at all what I expected. Labor was not easy on me. I had to be induced, and though I wasn't dilating, I was in so much pain. My blood pressure rose, and I ended up having an emergency C-section. That was a really scary experience for me, and at my age, I don't believe a second time around would be easier. My husband wants more children, and although I love being a mom to my beautiful boy, I am more than happy with just the three of us. When he discusses future siblings for our baby, I try to dial him back by saying it was a lot on me or ask why he wants more, but we're still not on the same page. Is this sort of fear worth going to therapy for? Or is it OK to accept that I do not want to do that again? -- Another Child
DEAR ANOTHER CHILD: Talk to your OB-GYN to gain insight about your health and options. Be frank with your husband about your feelings today based on what happened to you when you gave birth. Tell him that right now, you are not ready. Be clear that your decision will be based on your own comfort level and your doctor's recommendation, and don't forget that adoption is always an option.
For You
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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Remember the human. Show other commenters the respect they deserve as human beings. If you wouldn't say it in a crowded room full of people you don't know, don't say it here. Keep it Clean. Please avoid obscene, vulgar, lewd, racist or sexually-oriented language.
PLEASE TURN OFF YOUR CAPS LOCK.
Don't Threaten. Threats of harming another person will not be tolerated.
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Be Proactive. Use the 'Report' link on each comment to let us know of abusive posts.