Frankly, my faith is getting a little frayed at the efforts by a select few to declare anything with the word "God" in it or any symbol that vaguely resembles a cross to be the equivalent of a plague of locusts, while Islamic bullies get their way on everything from hijabs to censorship.
That is why I look forward to the National Day of Prayer. I am going to pray for these suckers. It will drive them crazy.
I once had an uncle who was a street preacher and did his best work when he was liquored up. We used to see him on Cleveland Avenue in East Point when we took the trolley from College Park and we would duck down lest he saw us and tried to get on board to save the whole bus plus take up a collection.
In later years, he quit drinking but was still inclined to preach. One day, he had the family hold hands at lunch as he offered up thanks for what everyone was about to partake. My aunt whispered to my mother, "That prayer won't make it through the ceiling."
So, on Thursday I am going to pray for all the mean spirits walking this earth that have nothing better to do but violate my First Amendment rights to freely worship as I choose and do their dead level best to ruin Christmas for all of us. But I must admit that, like Uncle Bill, my prayer may not get through the ceiling.
That is where Dr. Gil Watson, the World's Greatest Preacher, comes in. After God created heaven and earth, Jimmy Carter and artificial turf, he decided to create Dr Gil and stuck him with the daunting task of saving my sorry soul and trying to talk me out of my ever-present urge to go kick some Islamic loud-mouth bully in his self-righteous dishadasha.
So I guess that leaves me little choice but to pray next Thursday and ask God to forgive me of my trespasses as I forgive those who trespass against me.
Speaking of Dr. Gil, I am going to pray that the next governor doesn't ask him to pray for rain like Gov. George E. Perdue did. Obviously, Dr. Gil's prayers got through the ceiling and straight to heaven and we all know what happened next.
If I am feeling particularly pious, I may throw in a few prayers for federal judges, atheists, Sean Penn, anybody living in Atlanta of their own freewill and the ACLU. (The ACLU will be a stretch. They are about as far down the trespassing chain as I am willing to go.)
I may even put in a good word for the Baptists. They don't take kindly to being twitted about women preachers and a few of them get really angry with me which is not very Christian-like. If they give me too much grief, I may have to enlist the aid of several of outstanding female ministers I know in the Methodist Church. Tee hee.
This is rather self-serving, but I feel the need to pray that the entire UGA football team doesn't get arrested and kicked out of school before we take on the Ragin' Cajuns of Louisiana-Lafayette next September. When you lose your quarterback and a linebacker plus your third-string punter all before the month of May, prayer may be the last resort. Nothing else seems to be working.
If my knees aren't worn out by this point, I am going to ask God to bless all the humor-deficient people in this world - you know who you are - because without them this column wouldn't be near as much fun as it is. I particularly hope He looks with favor on self-important politicians. They are my favorites.
While I am praying, I will keep one eye open for the PC police. Even though it is the National Day of Prayer and I am in my own house, there is a good chance that some special interest group will find that in violation of their rights and have me arrested.
May Dr. Gil make it rain on them, one and all.
You can reach Dick Yarbrough at firstname.lastname@example.org or P.O. Box 725373, Atlanta, Georgia 31139.