America’s favorite national pastime? Hating soccer
by Ann Coulter
June 26, 2014 10:00 PM | 1324 views | 2 2 comments | 11 11 recommendations | email to a friend | print
Ann Coulter
Ann Coulter
I’ve held off on writing about soccer for a decade — or about the length of the average soccer game — so as not to offend anyone. But enough is enough. Any growing interest in soccer can only be a sign of the nation’s moral decay.

(1) Individual achievement is not a big factor in soccer. In a real sport, players fumble passes, throw bricks and drop fly balls — all in front of a crowd. When baseball players strike out, they’re standing alone at the plate. But there’s also individual glory in home runs, touchdowns and slam-dunks.

In soccer, the blame is dispersed and almost no one scores anyway. There are no heroes, no losers, no accountability and no child’s fragile self-esteem is bruised. There’s a reason perpetually alarmed women are called “soccer moms,” not “football moms.”

Do they even have MVPs in soccer? Everyone just runs up and down the field and, every once in a while, a ball accidentally goes in. That’s when we’re supposed to go wild. I’m already asleep.

(2) Liberal moms like soccer because it’s a sport in which athletic talent finds so little expression that girls can play with boys. No serious sport is co-ed, even at the kindergarten level.

(3) No other “sport” ends in as many scoreless ties as soccer. This was an actual marquee sign by the freeway in Long Beach, California, about a World Cup game last week: “2nd period, 11 minutes left, score: 0:0.” Two hours later, another World Cup game was on the same screen: “1st period, 8 minutes left, score: 0:0.” If Michael Jackson had treated his chronic insomnia with a tape of Argentina vs. Brazil instead of Propofol, he’d still be alive, although bored.

Even in football, by which I mean football, there are very few scoreless ties — and it’s a lot harder to score when a half-dozen 300-pound bruisers are trying to crush you.

(4) The prospect of either personal humiliation or major injury is required to count as a sport. Most sports are sublimated warfare. As Lady Thatcher reportedly said after Germany had beaten England in some major soccer game: Don’t worry. After all, twice in this century we beat them at their national game.

Baseball and basketball present a constant threat of personal disgrace. In hockey, there are three or four fights a game — and it’s not a stroll on beach to be on ice with a puck flying around at 100 miles per hour. After a football game, ambulances carry off the wounded. After a soccer game, every player gets a ribbon and a juice box.

(5) You can’t use your hands in soccer. (Thus eliminating the danger of having to catch a fly ball.) What sets man apart from the lesser beasts, besides a soul, is that we have opposable thumbs. Our hands can hold things. Here’s a great idea: Let’s create a game where you’re not allowed to use them!

(6) I resent the force-fed aspect of soccer. The same people trying to push soccer on Americans are the ones demanding that we love HBO’s “Girls,” light-rail, Beyonce and Hillary Clinton. The number of New York Times articles claiming soccer is “catching on” is exceeded only by the ones pretending women’s basketball is fascinating.

I note that we don’t have to be endlessly told how exciting football is.

(7) It’s foreign. In fact, that’s the precise reason the Times is constantly hectoring Americans to love soccer. One group of sports fans with whom soccer is not “catching on” at all is African-Americans. They remain distinctly unimpressed by the fact that the French like it.

(8) Soccer is like the metric system, which liberals also adore because it’s European. Naturally, the metric system emerged from the French Revolution, during the brief intervals when they weren’t committing mass murder by guillotine.

Despite being subjected to Chinese-style brainwashing in the public schools to use centimeters and Celsius, ask any American for the temperature, and he’ll say something like “70 degrees.” Ask how far Boston is from New York City, he’ll say it’s about 200 miles.

Liberals get angry and tell us that the metric system is more “rational” than the measurements everyone understands. This is ridiculous. An inch is the width of a man’s thumb, a foot the length of his foot, a yard the length of his belt. That’s easy to visualize. How do you visualize 147.2 centimeters?

(9) Soccer is not “catching on.” Headlines this week proclaimed “Record U.S. ratings for World Cup,” and we had to hear — again — about the “growing popularity of soccer in the United States.”

The USA-Portugal game was the blockbuster match, garnering 18.2 million viewers on ESPN. This beat the second-most watched soccer game ever: The 1999 Women’s World Cup final (USA vs. China) on ABC. (In soccer, the women’s games are as thrilling as the men’s.)

Run-of-the-mill, regular-season Sunday Night Football games average more than 20 million viewers; NFL playoff games get 30 to 40 million viewers; and this year’s Super Bowl had 111.5 million viewers.

Remember when the media tried to foist British soccer star David Beckham and his permanently camera-ready wife on us a few years ago? Their arrival in America was heralded with 24/7 news coverage. That lasted about two days. Ratings tanked. No one cared.

If more “Americans” are watching soccer today, it’s only because of the demographic switch effected by Teddy Kennedy’s 1965 immigration law. I promise you: No American whose great-grandfather was born here is watching soccer. One can only hope that, in addition to learning English, these new Americans will drop their soccer fetish with time.

Ann Coulter is legal correspondent for Human Events magazine.

Comments-icon Post a Comment
PeeWee's Brother
July 02, 2014
If given a choice between watching the World Soccer Cup or a freshly painted wall dry the wall would probably win out. Professional team soccer in the area I live in Atlanta was introduced some time ago and failed twice. Now all of a sudden the media is hyping reports that everyone in America is in a state of great excitement over the World Soccer matches. Give me a break!
June 27, 2014
Ah, Ann Coulter.

(1) False. Scorers are feted - and paid - big time in soccer, as are goalies. The rest of the guys are somewhat anonymous, but no more so than football where increasingly the entire focus is on the quarterback and the whole game has been redesigned to protect.

(2) False. Most sports are co-ed in the primary grades, including even Pop Warner football. Whether they should be is another matter, but they are.

(3) False. Baseball and football merely instituted tie-breaking mechanisms. The NHL did not, and their games end in ties so frequently that it is part of their formula for who makes the playoffs.

(4) Then that would exclude tennis, golf and most Olympic sports. It would also exclude basketball if you consider the way that the game is supposed to actually be played as opposed to the bowlderized NBA and major college version.

(5) True. A ridiculous, irrelevant point, but true.

(6) That is a good point. The people who claim to love soccer actually dislike sports for a variety of ideological reasons, and only pretend to like soccer because it is a "global, multicultural sport." If soccer was beloved in Texas and football was popular in France, these same folks would pretend to be NFL savants every Super Bowl.

(7) So are basketball, tennis, golf, chess, mathematics, philosophy, science and democracy-republics.

(8) Again, go back to something that is actually true. Those who use the metric system are very attuned to it. The metric system is also heavily used by people in STEM fields, who badly need powers of ten to simplify calculations.

(9) True. But the reality is that soccer is about as popular in this country as the Canadian dominated NHL. There is little reason for conservatives to generally like or have nothing against the NHL while hating soccer other than the demographics of the players and fans of the respective sports.
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