Columnist commandos: They’re on the hunt and have latest scoop on Crimea
by Dick Yarbrough
March 26, 2014 12:34 AM | 5629 views | 2 2 comments | 34 34 recommendations | email to a friend | print
Dick Yarbrough
Dick Yarbrough
Since the policy of the federal government seems to be to snoop on the conversations of private citizens, I thought it would be appropriate if we turned the tables on them. So, I authorized my columnist commandos to infiltrate the White House disguised as Teleprompters and get the real scoop on the latest developments in Ukraine.



“Hi. Is Vladimir Putin in, please?”

“Speaking. And to whom do I have the pleasure of talking?”

“It’s Barack Obama, President of the United States.”

“Barry! How you doing, man?”

“It’s not Barry. It is Barack, Vladimir. I hate it when you call me Barry and, frankly, I’m pretty ticked off at you.”

“Aw, gee. I’m sorry to hear that. What have I done now?”

“What have you done? You’ve invaded Crimea. That is what you have done. You didn’t even give me the courtesy of a heads-up and now the whole world is waiting to see what I am going to do. Instead of jetting around the country doing photo-ops, I’ve got to sit here and be all presidential and stuff. I hate that.”

“Bless your heart, Barry. I feel like such a schlemiel. Will you forgive me?”

“No, I won’t. And quit calling me Barry. It is obvious you don’t respect me. I realize you were once a KGB agent. Big deal. May I remind you, Vladimir, that I was a community organizer in Chicago. You really don’t want to mess with a community organizer.”


“And to show you I mean business, I sent Vice President Joe Biden to Poland to talk to our allies.”

“Ooooo, again!”

“Unfortunately, he ended up in Muncie, Indiana, where he told the crowd that we would protect them if they were invaded by Kentucky. Let’s face it. Joe isn’t the brightest bulb in the chandelier.”

“At least this time he didn’t tell a guy in a wheelchair to stand up and take a bow. You’ve done wonders with him, Barry. By the way, I knew you meant business when you headed off to a swanky resort in Key Largo to play golf while we were inviting ourselves into Crimea. Scared the dickens out of me.”

“Hey, Vladimir, my job isn’t all about foreign affairs. I have a domestic agenda as well. That includes getting my short game in shape. Like you wouldn’t have invaded Crimea if I sat around the Oval Office twiddling my thumbs? Admit it: You were going to invade anyway, weren’t you?”

“You are right, Barry. I’ve seen broomsticks that scare me worse than you do.”

“Well, you leave me no choice but to freeze the assets of your inner circle and to cancel your American Express card. No more frequent flyer miles for you, buddy.”

“I kinda figured that would happen, so I have talked to the Chinese. They say they’ll give me all the money I need and if I run short, they would liquidate some of their holdings in your country. If I’m not mistaken, they own about $1.2 trillion of U.S. debt. You might want to rethink that one, Barry.”

“I’m sorry, Vladimir, but you leave me no choice. It is time to consider the nuclear option.”

“Whoa, Barry. Let’s don’t get too hasty here. There is no cause to be talking about nuclear options.”

“Yes, there is. As soon as I hang up this phone, I am turning matters over to Michelle. From now on, you will be dealing with her. Mess with her and you will be sipping your borscht through a straw.”

“Hey, man. Don’t do that to me. Is there anything I can do to make up for treating you like a 98-pound weakling? Anything at all?”

“Well, since you mentioned it. Could I interest you in signing up for Obamacare? I promise that if you do, you can keep your current benefits.”

“Barry, that is very kind of you. And, in return, when I invade Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania and Muncie, Indiana, I promise I will call you as soon as the dust settles. I now have you on speed-dial. Good bye.” Click!

“Gee, that conversation went well. But I wonder why my Teleprompters are giggling?”

You can reach Dick Yarbrough at; at P.O. Box 725373, Atlanta, Georgia 31139; online at or on Facebook at
Comments-icon Post a Comment
Kevin Foley
March 26, 2014
Nice try fellow PR man.

GM is alive. OBL is dead.

'Nuf said.
Oliver G. Halle
March 26, 2014
Dick, you usually have some legitmate and meaningful insight to politicians, but am curious, in light of this column, what you would do differently than Obama? Considering that economic sanctions may be our strongest weapon at the moment, have you also factored in the pressure Obama and the European leaders are getting from business interests about the damage it will do to their bottom lines? Do you think GM, Ford, and Pepsi, among many, are as concerned about who is in Crimea as much as they worry about their shareholders? Even most conservatives aren't talking about military options or arming the Ukranians at this point to take on one of the stronger military machines in the world. So again, what is your solution to this complicated situation? If I am correct, neither you nor any of your children or grandchildren have been in the military. Would you risk their lives at this point to engage in a military venture in Crimea?
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