Thanks for offering me the job as astrophysics editor of the paper. I must respectfully decline even though I know this decision could slow my meteoric rise in the organization and perhaps prevent me from attaining my dream job — covering the Cobb County School Board.
The reason is that I don’t want to put you or the newspaper on the spot. You see, I have ruffled some feathers (An aside: I don’t think I could use terms like “ruffled some feathers” if I was astrophysics editor) among esteemed members of the Cobb County legislative delegation. If I were to become astrophysics editor, it would soon come to light that I was a graduate of government schools and the Cobb County delegation would jump on that fact like a chicken on a June bug (another term that would probably be a no-no with the astrophysics crowd.)
Some members of the Cobb delegation seem to think government schools are the pits, even though as legislators they are the government and public schools are their responsibility. Sometimes, legislators can be more mystifying than astrophysicists.
You would be under a lot of pressure to replace me with someone who was home-schooled or who has attended one of our fine private schools where the lawyers that lobby for tax-funded scholarships can’t spell or punctuate. Our intrepid public servants would tell you that I know nothing about the cosmological evolution of black holes and that you need to find an expert that can explain to our readers that cosmology is the study of beauty parlors and a black hole is dirty chimney. It would be best not to argue with them. If our boys and girls in the Legislature know anything, they know their astrophysics.
Speaking of our intrepid public servants, I understand that Senate Majority Leader and motel tycoon Chip Rogers (R-Woodstock) may no longer be representing a portion of Cobb County as a result of the 2011 redistricting plan. I fervently hope the decision was not made because he and his crack staff think voters will no longer see my paeans to him. My columnist commandoes have informed me that I have a number of readers in Cherokee County, too.
This may be the reason you tapped me for the prestigious appointment as astrophysics editor, given the exclusive coverage I provided to Mr. Chips for his good works in ensuring that our body parts are not microchipped without our permission — a burning issue in our state second only to the efforts of Georgia taxpayers to raise money to send House Speaker David Ralston and his family on another working trip to Europe this Thanksgiving — meals included.
2011 won’t make the Chipster’s highlight film. He couldn’t get his beloved private school voucher passed in the last session. Sheila the Family Wonderdog told me if she had been majority leader in the state Senate, she could have gotten that crowd to pass a voucher bill or gas or anything else she told them to pass. Sheila has lost a lot of respect for majority leaders.
Mr. Rogers also got himself in a bind along with Tea Party hero, Congressman Tom Graves (R- Ranger) over their plans to turn a rundown motel in Calhoun into a place worthy for a Cobb County School Board retreat. The guys took out a $2.2 million loan that, according to papers filed in a potential lawsuit, the now-cratered Bartow County bank knew neither man had the means to repay. In an interview in the Atlanta newspaper, their attorney indicated such deals are commonplace. This particular one, he said, was based on the proven real-estate expertise of the two politicians rather than their personal wealth.
Sheila threw up her Alpo at that one. She said that was a stupid thing even for a lawyer to say. She said they got the loan because of their perceived political clout and that banks and politicians and lawyers must think we are all dumb as a rock.
Still, both men will most likely get reelected because voters have such low opinions of politicians, it is almost impossible to underachieve their expectations.
Anyway, thank for considering me for astrophysics editor but I am enjoying my new role as marching band editor. Since I self-appointed myself to that post, I am getting lots of mail from grateful parents, teachers and band members in Cobb County, including many who think marching bands don’t get the respect they deserve. I am their new best friend. That makes me feel good. Frankly, I don’t think we would get near as much mail from the astrophysics community. Sheila the Family Wonderdog says beauty parlors and dirty chimney just don’t excite people like marching bands.
You can reach Dick Yarbrough at email@example.com or P.O. Box 725373, Atlanta, Georgia 31139.