PETA complains, but Sturgis says whooo cares?
by Dick Yarbrough
February 28, 2014 11:12 PM | 1470 views | 0 0 comments | 41 41 recommendations | email to a friend | print
Dick Yarbrough
Dick Yarbrough
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PETA eyes ousting of Kennesaw State’s live owl mascot: Marietta Daily Journal, Feb. 24

“Sturgis, put the rabbit down and listen. We’ve got a problem. A big problem.”

Whooo.

“All of us. The athletic department. The student body. The entire Kennesaw State family. I’m sure you read in the Marietta Daily Journal that PETA wants us to do away with you.”

Whooo.

“PETA. The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. They don’t like schools using real animals as mascots. They think ‘an arena packed with yelling fans, flashing lights and a booming sound system’ is no place for a solitary, nocturnal horned owl.”

Whooo.

“You, Sturgis. They are talking about you. Who else around here is a solitary, nocturnal horned owl? Dan Papp?”

Whooo.

“Dan Papp. He is the president of KSU, you dimwit. He chose you personally to be the school mascot. When we begin playing football next year, he and all our fans expect you to get us fired up like Uga does between the hedges at Sanford Stadium.”

Whooo.

“Good grief, Sturgis. Don’t you know anything? That’s what happens when you sleep all day and chase rabbits at night. Uga is the revered mascot at the University of Georgia. He gets to sit in an air-conditioned doghouse on the sidelines at Sanford Stadium and watch the games for free and flirt with the cheerleaders while 96,000 fans yell ‘Woof! Woof!’ in tribute. PETA thinks that is cruel. They want the university to replace him with a robot. A robot dog between the hedges! Do you believe that? Now wouldn’t that be a — pardon the pun — hoot? Maybe we could call him Artoo-Deetoo-Funny.”

Whooo.

“I thought you’d get a chuckle out of that. A lot of folks don’t think solitary, nocturnal horned owls have a sense of humor.

“Fortunately, PETA is a little distracted right now. They are trying to get a 10-foot memorial placed in Hall County in honor of a bunch of chickens that went to that Great Chicken Coop in the Sky after the truck in which they were riding wrecked. Knowing how he loves chickens, I wouldn’t be surprised if PETA doesn’t have Earl Ehrhart involved by now.”

Whooo.

“You know, Earl Ehrhart. He is the state representative from Powder Springs who specializes in chicken issues. He tried to get a bill passed last year allowing us to have chickens in our yard but he wasn’t successful because the chicken lobby objected.

“They told him that if chickens were left alone in a yard, you would probably come eat them and that they preferred to take their chances riding in a chicken truck. Besides, nobody has ever suggested a monument to chickens eaten by a horned owl. Not even PETA. Mr. Ehrhart got real mad and called the chicken lobby Maynard G. Krebs.”

Whooo.

“Oh, I forgot that solitary, nocturnal horned owls don’t watch as much television as Mr. Ehrhart does. Maynard G. Krebs was a character on the old “Dobie Gillis” television series. Wore a tinfoil hat, as I recall. But I digress. We’re talking about PETA here.”

Whooo.

“PETA! PETA! How many times have I got to tell you, Sturgis? This bunch of zealots could very well — if you will excuse the expression — cook your goose and you sit here eating a dead rabbit and asking a lot of dumb questions.”

Whooo.

“OK, Sturgis. I can tell you don’t fully appreciate the enormity of the situation. Scoff if you must, but don’t come whining to me when you find yourself in an arena packed with yelling fans, flashing lights and a booming sound system and in a panic you fly headfirst into a point guard’s shorts.”

Whooo.

“Who, Sturgis? You, Sturgis. Look, I think we are done here. I’ll let you get back to your rabbit. I’m off to Auburn to warn War Eagle VII, that school’s mascot. I suspect that if PETA tries this stuff with him, he will swoop down and snatch up the wackos and drop them smack in the middle of a chicken truck.”

Whooo-Rah!

“Well, knock me over with a feather! You were listening all along weren’t you, big guy? Never underestimate a solitary, nocturnal horned owl. I am so glad we are in agreement here. It just goes to show that as English lexicographer John Minsheu said in 1599, ‘Birds of a feather will flock together.’ Or maybe it was Maynard G. Krebs who said that. I must remember to ask Earl Ehrhart.”

Whooo-boy!

You can reach Dick Yarbrough at yarb2400@bellsouth.net; at P.O. Box 725373, Atlanta, Georgia 31139; online at dickyarbrough.com or on Facebook at www.facebook.com/dickyarb.

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