Insider look at NATO’s ‘general rapporteur’ offered by Columnist Commandos
by Dick Yarbrough
December 15, 2012 12:00 AM | 1333 views | 0 0 comments | 6 6 recommendations | email to a friend | print
Dick Yarbrough
Dick Yarbrough
My columnist commandos have done it again. These guys are just too much. I would like very much to recognize them for their unique abilities to ferret out information for me while undercover but they have asked me not to in case they ever decide to settle down in Marietta and raise chickens in the Square. If Mayor Tumlin and the Marietta City Council don’t know who they are, how can they stop them from exercising their God-given right to keep chickens in town? My columnist commandos think of everything.

Anyway, I heard that the general rapporteur to the North Atlantic Treaty Organization parliament, Democratic Rep. David Scott of Atlanta, was coming to Cobb County. While this was a singular honor, his visit did raise some questions. When was the last time a “general rapporteur” of anything had ever graced us with their presence? And why? Is Iceland about to invade Cobb?

I thought this serious enough to get the columnist commandos involved to investigate the situation. To avoid discovery, the commandos cleverly disguised themselves as cup holders and infiltrated the inside of Rep. Scott’s automobile as he was en route with his aide. They managed to record the following conversation:

“OK, tell me where we are going and why? I really need to be in Eastman, working on getting the Ruskies and that crowd from Lithonia to stop arguing over who has the best borscht. It is stuff like this that starts wars.”

“Sir, you are going to Cobb County and I believe you mean Estonia, not Eastman, and it is Lithuania, not Lithonia.”

“Why am I going to Cobb County? They aren’t in NATO, are they?”

“No sir. They are in your district.”

“They are?”

“Yes sir. If you will recall, you go there every reelection campaign to get your picture made in your tuxedo. We then buy up all the copies of the Marietta Daily Journal so that no one in Clayton County will see you socializing with a bunch of white Republicans. It is a win-win for everyone.”

“Are there any other kinds of Republicans, besides white ones?”

“Ha ha. Good one, sir. You are on your game today.”

“What should I talk to the folks about? I’ll wager they would like to hear about how I told the prime minister of Demorest — that if he kept bad-mouthing the good ol’ U.S. of A, I would see to it that Piedmont College was moved to Porterdale. General rapporteurs can do that kind of stuff, you know.”

“Sir, you were talking to the prime minister of Denmark and it was Portugal, not Porterdale. If I recall, the prime minister said they didn’t have a Piedmont College and even if they did, they wouldn’t move to Porterdale because it is too near Atlanta. It might not have been your finest hour and besides, I don’t think the locals would understand the point you were trying to make. I don’t believe I do, either.”

“OK, wise guy. What kind of point should I be making in Mauritania?”

“We are going to Marietta, sir, not Mauritania.”

“What’s the difference?”

“There is quite a difference but perhaps we can talk about that later. I may be hearing things but it sounds like the cup holders in the front seat are giggling. Let me remind you that you are talking to the Lockheed union members who are worried about the economy. Give them the usual talking points about how we need to raise taxes on the top two percent and if we don’t, we’ll fall off the fiscal cliff and have to cut the defense budget. Tell them that the revenue from the increase would ‘take the downward pressure off the necessity of sequestration.’”

“What the blazes is ‘sequestration? Sounds like something people do to horses. Can’t I just talk about our relations with Albany?”

“Sir, it’s Albania and, no, I don’t think that would be a good idea. These people care about jobs, not Albania. They need to be assured that you can make things happen in Washington. Tell them you are working night and day to avoid the fiscal cliff, say all the right things about unions and get your picture taken hugging somebody. You won’t be in a tuxedo, so we are safe. Do this and I promise you won’t have to come back until reelection.”

“Okay, but I still think they would like to hear about the time I arm-wrestled the guy that runs Monroe.”

“It is Montenegro, sir, and it looks like we have arrived at the union hall. Please go on in and start hugging people. I will be there in a moment but first I need to check these cup holders. They are laughing so hard, they have the hiccups.”

You can reach Dick Yarbrough at or P.O. Box 725373, Atlanta, Georgia 31139.
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