According to Junior E. Lee, general manager of the company — and a certified pest control expert — the purpose of the conference is to remind clueless organizations and individuals that it doesn’t matter what they think about something, it is the perception of the public that counts. Junior says that what you propose to do may make a lot of sense to you but if the public doesn’t buy it, you might as well be spitting in the wind. Like it or not, perception is reality.
Junior E. Lee said the conference is likely to be well-attended. “It doesn’t hurt,” he said, “that the meeting is being held in Greater Garfield.”
Junior says he considered having the session in Orlando, Fla., but determined that it is too hot in Orlando in June and the sand gnats get in your ears. “Besides,” he added, “Garfield is sun-drenched and spectacular.”
The conference agenda will include such perception issues as “Why Spending Nearly a Half Million Dollars to Send 150 Educators to Gaylord Palms Resort and Convention Center When Your School System has a $62 Million Deficit May Not Be Such a Good Idea.” Junior E. said that this session is subject to being canceled because he wasn’t sure anybody would do such a thing in the first place.
“However,” he said, “there is always that rare chance I could be wrong. I remember telling Arveen Ridley last year that he didn’t have termites and then his barn fell down.”
Another topic of interest at the “Perception is Reality” Conference will be the political discussion, “Why Spending a Bazillion Dollars on Me Does Not in Any Shape, Form or Fashion Influence the Way I Vote.” Junior says the moderator for that session has not yet been selected since none of the politicians he has contacted thus far can assure him they could get through the session with a straight face.
“It is not like we don’t have a lot of pious politicians from which to choose,” he said “because they all claim that no lizard-loafered lobbyist has ever influenced their decisions but it would hurt the credibility of the conference if they are seen snickering and winking. Besides, most of them want a campaign contribution. They say that will influence their decision.”
The transportation module will feature a panel discussion on “If I’m From Atlanta, I Must Be Smarter Thank You.” A MAVEN maven will talk about how spending $7 billion on transportation will benefit the good folks in Euharlee. One of the good folks from Euharlee will respond that they find that kind of talk condescending and how much everybody hates Atlanta and nobody wants to go there. Then everybody from Atlanta will get mad and go run around the block. Following that, House Speaker David Ralston will show slides of the lobbyist-funded Thanksgiving trip for him and his family to go to Germany to see a Magnetic Levitation train that looks very much like the one in Powder Springs, but the beer is better in Germany. Junior E. Lee expects a standing room-only crowd for this session and says transportation will be provided.
The banquet speaker will be William Windsor, who is running for the congressional seat of incumbent Republican Tom Price (R-Roswell). Junior said Mr. Windsor was selected because he is a very funny guy.
Windsor claims that when he is elected, he is going to launch investigations against every federal judge, and “I will start many impeachment proceedings.” Junior said, “We all know that it takes a freshman congressman six months to find the restrooms, let alone have anything he says taken seriously. Besides, if he gets up there and starts talking about impeaching judges, the judiciary committees of the House and Senate will hand him his head and tell him to go do something productive, like get his picture made on the Capitol steps with wide-eyed constituents.”
Look for the “Perception is Reality” Conference to become an annual event for the Yarbrough Worldwide Media and Pest Control Company. “There will always be a need for such meetings because there will always be self-important people who can’t seem to get it in their heads that it isn’t what they say and do that counts, it is what we think,” says Junior E. Lee, “and if they think we are always buying what they are selling, they are dumber than a garden slug.” If that is Junior’s perception, then it must be a reality but now he has likely offended a lot of garden slugs.
You can reach Dick Yarbrough at email@example.com or P.O. Box 725373, Atlanta, Georgia 31139.