Being a father — It’s not as easy as it looks ...
by Dick Yarbrough
Columnist
June 14, 2013 10:49 PM | 1057 views | 0 0 comments | 65 65 recommendations | email to a friend | print
Dick Yarbrough
Dick Yarbrough
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In case you hadn’t noticed, tomorrow is Father’s Day. The crack staff at the Yarbrough Worldwide Media and Pest Control Company, located in Greater Garfield, has just completed extensive research on the perception of fathers today. Junior E. Lee, general manager of Round or Square Polls, took valuable time away from his in-depth analysis of why Republicans would rather fight with each other than fight with Democrats to examine the current state of fatherhood. We are in his debt.

Junior says the first thing to know is that this study was a major inconvenience. He was slap-dab in the middle of having to deal with Horace Ray Tweever, who read that the federal government has been bugging our homes and businesses. Horace Ray is not the sharpest tack in the carpet and assumes that meant the government was placing fleas and lice in his home and at his bait shop because he didn’t vote for Barack Obama for president and is being punished as a result. Junior says there is no use arguing with Horace Ray when he has made up his mind on something.

Back to the poll, Junior says it is apparent that fathers clearly don’t get the respect that mothers do, which is unfair since most mothers wouldn’t have become mothers without some cooperation from fathers. Elton John might be the exception.

Junior thinks that some of the problem with fathers is genetic. Take the television remote, for example. If mothers are able to gain control of the remote, they generally find a program they like — such as “Dancing with the Stars” or Katie Couric — and stick with it.

Junior believes fathers have the attention span of a sand gnat — there goes Junior E. Lee and his pest control jargon again — and will roar through 150 channels in less than a minute, stopping only briefly at ESPN, where they will be asked by mother to turn the sound down. They won’t do it, not because they are trying to be unreasonable, but because they can’t hear her. The sound is too loud.

Maybe one reason fathers won’t linger on any particular channel is because they resent the way they are portrayed in television commercials. When is the last time you saw a commercial in which the father didn’t look like some kind of doofus; Mother and the children shaking their heads at Dad’s ineptitude and having to solve the problem for him by buying or using whatever product the commercial is pushing.

I have always wondered if Dad is so stupid, how that bunch of ingrates got the nice house in which they live. He must have done something right.

Junior thinks commercials are produced by immature twits who didn’t like being told by their father that they couldn’t smoke weed in their nice house when growing up, and are now acting out their hostilities. He may have a point.

Dads don’t help their case by lecturing the wife and kids all the time. I found out later in life that my lectures were so predictable that my kids had them numbered. Lecture 22 was the Safe Driving Lecture. Lecture 14 was the Vegetables are good for You Lecture, and so on. Fortunately, neither of my children smoked weed or went into advertising or I might find myself today in a toothpaste commercial unable to get the top off the tube while everybody shakes their heads and laughs at my ineptitude.

Still, I wouldn’t trade being a dad for anything, despite Junior E. Lee’s findings. I love my wife, my kids, in-law kids, grandchildren and great-grandson. They love me, too. Even though I do play the television too loudly and still lecture too much, they go along with the game and make me think I am wise and benevolent. Father may not know best, but I sure enjoy acting like I do.

By the way, you might be interested in knowing how Junior resolved Horace Ray Tweever’s bug problem. He spread sugar all over Horace Ray’s house and at his bait shop and told Horace Ray that is was a secret mixture designed to thwart the federal government’s bugs. Of course, the sugar is going to attract ants and Horace Ray will be calling Junior in the near future to get rid of the ants. That means more profit for the Yarbrough Worldwide Media and Pest Control Company and a satisfied customer who can get on with his life and bait shop career and not have to worry about being bugged by the government, just ants.

It would embarrass him if he heard this, but Junior E. Lee is the true definition of a Sugar Daddy.

Happy Father’s Day to one and all.

You can reach Dick Yarbrough at yarb2400@bellsouth.net or P.O. Box 725373, Atlanta, Georgia 31139.
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